"Weird Al" Yankovic - Your horoscope for today

^CAquarius! There's travel in your ^Ffuture when your ^Ctongue freezes to the ^Fback of a speeding^C bus, Fill that ^Fvoid in your pathetic l^Cife by playing Whack-a-mole ^F17 hours a ^Cday

^CPieces! Try to avo^Fid any Virgos or ^CLeos with the ^FEbola Virus^C You are the t^Frue lord of the ^Cdance, No matter what those ^Fidiots at work s^Cay

^CAries! The look on your ^Fface will be priceless when you ^Cfind that 40lb water^Fmelon in your colon ^C Trade toothbrushes with an ^Falbino dwarf, and give a hickey to ^CMeryl Streep

^CTaurus! You will never f^Find true happiness, ^Cwhat you gonna do, c^Fry about it?^C The stars ^Fpredict tomorrow you'll ^Cwake up, do a bunch of ^Fstuff, and then go back to s^Cleep

^C Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G C} Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G7}

^CGemini! Your birthday ^Fparty will be ruined ^Conce again, by your ^Fexplosive fla^Ctulence, Your love life will r^Fun into trouble when your ^Cfiance hurls a ja^Fvelin through your chest.

^CCancer! The position of ^FJupiter says you should spen^Cd the rest of the week^F face down in t^Che mud Try not to ^Fshove a roll of d^Cuct tape up your nose while ^Ftaking your driving test

^CLeo! Now is not a good ^Ftime to photocopy your but^Ct and staple it to your ^Fbosses face, oh no, ^C Eat a bucket of tu^Fna-flavored pudding and ^Cwash it down with a ^Fgallon of strawberry Quick

^CVirgo! All Virgos ^Fare extremely ^Cfriendly and ^Fintelligence, ^CEXCEPT FOR YOU! Expect a bi^Fg surprise today, w^Chen you wind up with your ^Fhead impaled upon a stick

^C Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G C} Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G7}

^AmNow you may find it i^Gnconceivable or at the very ^Emleast a bit unlikely that the re^Amlative position of the ^Amplanets and the stars could have a ^Gspecial deep significance or^Em meaning that exclusively ^Am applies to only you ^Amlet me give u my assurance that^Gthese forecasts n predictions are^Em based on solid scientific ^Am documented evidence ^Amso you would have to be some kind of ^Gmoron not to realize that e^Emvery single one of them is absolutely true

^CLibra! A big ^Fpromotion is just around the ^Ccorner, for someone much more ^Ftalented than you!^C Laughter is the v^Fery best medicine, r^Cemember that when your ^Fappendix bursts next week

^CScorpio! Get ready for an u^Fnexpected tri^Cp when you fall screaming from an ^Fopen window,^C Work a little bit^F harder on improving your lo^Cw self esteem, y^Fou stupid freak

^CSagittarius! All your ^Ffriends are laughing ^Cbehind your back, "Kill them...." Take down all the ^Fnaked pictures of Ern^Cest Borgiene you've got ^Fhanging in your den

^CCapricorn! The ^Fstars say you're a ex^Cciting and wonderful^F person, but you know they're l^Cying, If I were you I'd ^Flock my doors and windows and^C never never never nev^Fer leave my house again

^C Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G C} Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G7}

^C Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G C} Thats your ^Dmhoroscope for to^Emday ^Fay-ay-ay-ay ^G Thats your horoscope for to^Cday ^{F G7}