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Tuning: G C E A
[BETELGEUSE, sung]
F#Hey, folks! Begging your pardon! D‘Scuse me! Sorry to barge in BNow let’s skip the tears and start on the whAole Y’know G#
Being dead thing
F#mYou’re doomed! Enjoy the singing DThe sword of Damocles is swinging BAnd if I hear your cell-phone ringing I’ll kAill you myself The wG#mhole being dead thing!
BmDeath can get a person stressed “We sF#hould have carpe’d way more diems
Now we’re never gonna see ‘em!"
G#mI can show you what comes next So don’t be freakedC# Stay in your seats D
I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week!
C#So just relax, you’ll be fine Drink your fifty-dollar wine
And take a breath! [ENSEMBLE] Welcome to a show about death! [BETELGEUSE]
F#You’re… You’re gonna be fEine… On the oBther side… F#DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE! F#I'll... I’ll be your gEuide... To the Bother side…
[ENSEMBLE]
DOh, and full disclosure: It’s a sC#how about death! [BETELGEUSE] GmEverybody gets on fine here Like D#Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here CThe women’s bathroom has no line here
Just...

N.C.

Pee where you want! The Awhole being dead thing! GmYou’re just gonna love the folks here D#Yeah, I know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here! And eCvery show I do, like, a TON of coke here
The whole- [heavy sniffing] PAH-HAH! The whole being dead thing!
CmNobody is bullet-proof! G“I work out, I eat clean!” GmJesus, pass the FDramamine CmTime to face the brutal truth: ‘Cause Dmwe’re all on a hitlist
Might not live ‘till Christmas Choke to death on Triscuits Hey, that’s just statistics
So tD#ake a little break here G#mKinda like a wake here The sD#mcenery is fake here But thD#ere's a giant D#msnake here!
|Gm| |Gm| |Gm| |A#m| |C#| [ENSEMBLE]
D#Welcome to a show about death! [BETELGEUSE] GYou’re… You’re gonna be fG7ine…
THANK YOU!
On the oDther side… HOW YOU DOIN’? CWoah! Not good! G F Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop!
FmI’ll… I’ll be D#myour guide! To the other A#sidCe!

N.C.

Seriously, though, this is a show about-
[ENSEMBLE]
A#mDeath is taboo, but it’s hardly something nFmew There’s nothing mA#medical professionals can do 'Cept mFaybe just bFmill you
[BETELGEUSE, spoken] If you die while listening to this album
It's still gonna keep playing F D# [ENSEMBLE] There’s no dA#mestiny or fate Just a Fmterrifying wait Filled with A#mpeople that you hate And on a certD#ain date, the universe kiClls you!
[BETELGEUSE]

N.C.

That’s the thing with life: No-one makes it out alA#ive! CToss that body Din the Cmpit “GGosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?” “Blah, blah, Bible JesFus magic.” CmWhen you’re dead, who gives a shit? GmNo pilates, no more yoga!
“Namaste”, you freakin’ posers
CmFrom the cradle to cremation A#Death just needs a little conversation! DI have mastered the art (Dies Irae!) Of tearing conventiD#on apDart (Dies Irae!)
So, hDow about we all make a start (Dies Irae!) On the wG#hole Dbeing dGead thing!
[ALL]
DGod, I hope you’re ready for a show about death! G