Half Man Half Biscuit - The unfortunate gwatkin

^GI wandered a^Emround to the back of the ^Cpetrochemical ^Dplant where they’d found Mr ^GGwatkin’s jacket ^Emin ^C197^D4. Sleeves turned inside out ^GWith a tin of sweetcorn in ^Emeach pocket. ^CThe rumours sur^Drounding his disappearance ^GAre many and varied.^Em Though we should ^Cfor the time being at ^Dleast accept the version of ^GEvents given to us by the ^Emlamentable chap him^Cself on his eventual ^Dreturn.^{G Em} In doing this ^Chowever, we must ^Dalso keep in our thoughts The ^Gfindings of better ^Emminds who con^Cclude that Gwatkin ^Das-is no longer ^GRepresents ^EmGwatkin as-was.^{C D G Em C D G Em C D}

^GPiecing together an oc^Emcasional vague ^Csentence and some garbled ^Dchanting heard during the ^GSmall hours,^Em it appears that our ^Cvictim was making his ^Dway home from the Pessimist ^GFestival in ^EmMollington when he was ^Cset upon by a ^Dgang of miscreants, the ^GChief malefactor of ^Emwhom was a particularly ^Cvicious character ^Dgoing by the name of ^GBridgedale^Em. So called on ac^Ccount of a thermal ^Dsock with which he ^GGloved his fist when^Emever he became tetchy and ^Cneeded to punch some^Dthink. ^{G Em C D G Em C D}

^GUnable to com^Emply with the rabble’^Cs hot tempered ^Ddemands for unreasonable ^GThings such as ^Emcathedral juice and ^Cvicar shit, the ^Dheavily pummelled ^GInnocent was dragged into the ^Emchurchyard of St. ^CLawrence and ^Dthere left to his own De^Gvices next to the ^Emgrave of young ^CNelson Burt ^D– whose own tragic ^GTale is of particular ^Eminterest to the ^Clocal historian. ^{D G Em C D}

^GIt is believed that within ^Emtwenty minutes of ^Cthis episode,^D a further attack was witnessed by ^GOne Slow ^EmDempsey of Woodside ^CFarm,^D who alleged that he saw the A^Gforementioned Bridge^Emdale scuttle a full ^Cfour hundred ^Dfeet along the Wervin Turnpike ^GTo deliver a ^Emperfect Haymaker onto a ^Cstray colt^D. ^{G Em C D} This afternoon I ^GVisited Daniel ^EmGwatkin in the confined ^Cplace which he will probably ^Dnever leave. ^GI was offered ^Emredbush tea and a ^Cfig roll.^D The pleasantry gave ^GHope for lengthy dis^Emcourse but cheer was ^Cswiftly dismissed ^Das the pitiful subject ^GProceeded to gaze out of a ^Emlarge window for ^Cwhat seemed like an ^Dage, before ^GTurning around to ^Emfix me with pitch black ^Csockets which ^Dsimply said ^G“Help me?^Em??.^{C D G} Then came the so^Emng:^{C D Am Em C D}

^GCresta!^{Em C} What the ^Dfuck were we ^Gdrinking? ^{Em C D G}Cresta!^{Em C} What the ^Dfuck were we ^Gdrinking? ^{Em C D}

^GI write to ^Empeople,^C they don’t ge^Dt back to m^Ge. I write ^Ema second tim^Ce, they don’^Dt reply. ^GTo ease the ^Emloneliness^C and pass the ^Dtime^G I pace the ^Emroom,^C inventing ^Dbands; ^GExperi^Emmental trio ^Cfrom Boreham^Dwood ?^G?? ‘Hall, Stairs ^Emand Landi^Cng’: they’re^D really good. ^GScott Ver^Emplank^C did not get ^Dback to me.^G Newcombe and ^EmRoche,^C still no res^Dponse. ^GCongolesi ^EmUnsworth, ^CGlaswegian ^DRunes,^G the singer’^Ems grandda^Cd writes all th^De tunes.

^GJodie ^EmMudd, Jodie ^CMudd, Jodie ^DMudd.^G Jodie ^EmMudd, Jodie ^CMudd, Jodie ^DMudd. ^GUh-oh ^EmChongo!^C It’s Dange^Dr Island!^{G Em C D}

^GCresta! ^{Em C} What the ^Dfuck were we ^Gdrinking? Jodie ^EmMudd, Jodie ^CMudd, Jodie ^DMudd. ^GCresta! ^{Em C} What the ^Dfuck were we ^Gdrinking? ^{Em C D G}Cresta!