Half Man Half Biscuit - The Referees Alphabet

^DThe A is for my authority ^GWhich many players seem to question, ^AThinking they're somehow going to make me change my mind ^DB is for babies ^GWhich a lot of managers cry like ^AAfter a decision has not gone their way ^DC is for the continual criticism ^GI recieve from the touchline ^AGet back in your technical area! ^DD is for the dunderheads ^GWho seem to think we have a conspiracy ^AAgainst their particular team ^DE is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground ^GAfter I've booked the home teams player ^AAnd it's obvious to everyone that he deserved it ^DF is the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there ^GThe G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a week ^AAnd reckoned he should have had a throw in ^DH is for handball ^GWhich has to be intentional and very rarely is ^AIf only people would study the rules more ^DI is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender ^GAfter they've just scythed down that tricky winger ^AJ is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display given a dark alley ^DAnd some of the narky blerts ive encountered ^GK is for the kissing of the badge ^AHow ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they're at another club ^DL is for lip reading, ^Gat which you don't need to be an expert ^ATo see how odious some people are ^DM is for the mistakes we sometimes make ^GSurely a bit of controversy ^Ais part of the games appeal ^DThe N, the N is for the numbskull who^G during the boxing day game Asks me what else ^Ai got for christmas besides my whistle ^DAn afternoon with your wife mate ^DThe O is for offside ^GWhich many forwards tell me the^Ay simply could not have been ^DThe P is for the penalty shootout ^GGreat drama and^A no pressure on me ^DQ is the quiet word i sometimes need to have ^GWith some of the more fiery participants ^AI usually choose the word 'pleat' ^DR is for running backwards ^GA difficult skill which the pu^Andits never seem to appreciate ^DS is for the suggestion that i^G should have awarded a card of some sort ^ATo a player whos just been awarded a free kick (mute the strings and strum) Sorry i got all that wrong the S again ^DOkay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show a card to an opponent ^GBy a player whos been awarded a free kick ^AHe himself is more in danger of getting one for that ^DT is for the 21 man brawl ^GWhiuch is basically an embarrassing ^Ascene of pushing and shoving ^DU is for the umpire which i sometimes wish I'd been instead ^GYou never hear a cricket cr^Aowd shouting whos the bastard in the hat ^DThe V is for vitriol vilification vendet^Gta and volley of verbal abuse ^ASome good bird noises there by the way ^DW is for walter pidgeon ^GWhos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley' ^AI may have started to sound like during this song ^D'where was the light i thought to see in your eye' ^GHe says that to a young huw^A played by roddy McDowall ^DThe X ^GThe X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy ^Apotugese center half

^DThe Y is for Yate ^GThe kind of town ref^Aerees come from ^DAnd the Z ^GWell the Z could be for Zidane,^A Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff

^DBut is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work ^GWithout this zest for the game we wouldn't become refs ^AAnd without refs, well zero ^DSee also Zatopek, Zeus ^GAnd Zeal Monachorum ^DI have a caravan there ^GStatic naturally A D etc... (Wouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun)