Half Man Half Biscuit - A country practice

I ^Dfeel like a beggar accepting ^Bmalms,^D then being pelted with ^Bmfigs. I ^Dstudy my steadily de^Bmclining chart placings; they ^Dgreet me with freezing cold in^Bmhospitality, Hey, ^Dwhere did that bloke go who ^Bmsaid I was vital? ^{D Bm} I ^Dpossess the mild air of a ^Bmretail tobacconist,^D that’s because I’m a ^Bmretail tobacconist But the ^Dmayflies on a ^BmBerkshire trout river would ^Dprobably tell you a ^Bmdifferent story About ^Dham-fisted diadems and ^Bmmomentary daydreams Of ^Dmythical dividends and ^Bmillusory boardroom seats.

In the ^Droom festooned with ^Bmfat beef certificates ^Dfrom county shows^{Bm D}Duff Leg Bryn had ^Bmdrank too much again, ^Dmost of Wem was ^Bmsteering clear of him ^D “I’ve got no time for this ^Bmtwelfth consecutive ^DRose Bowl”^Bm ‘Cos on ^DSunday next at ^Bmten to four I’ve ^Dgot an invi^Bmtation for A ^Dtrip round Kathrine ^BmHamnett’s warehouse, ^Dfollowed by dinner with ^BmDavid Emanuel Who I ^Dcan’t wait to tell about my ^Bmdream in which the ^Dalmost illegal ^BmElton Welsby Is ^Ddressed as a French maid on a ^Bmmoonless byway, ^Dlicking his lips as he ^Bmcreeps ever closer ^DFast falls the ^Bmeventide, ^Dfast falls the ^Bmeventide.

The ^Dpublic appearance of ^Bmbitter ex-soap stars Who ^Dthought they could go on and do ^Bmother things besides^{D Bm} The ^DCentre Court amusement at the ^Bmballboy’s mishap That ^Dbobbing up and down thing that they ^Bmdo at the Proms O^Dpinionated weather forecasters ^Bmtelling me it’s going to be a ^Dmiserable day ^BmMiserable to who? I quite ^Dlike a bit of drizzle, so ^Bmstick to the facts.

^EmChannel Four presents “Blowjob^D” introduced by ^EmAdrian and Sophie Horn^D Who is of course one bloke with a ^Empierced dick who’s just had the ^Dnod from Planet 24.^{Em D Em}Hear him say “surreal, bi^Dzarre, sad git, ^Emyes indeedy, com^Dpletely and utterly Footy, ^Emanorak and respect”^D before whipping the audience ^Emup into doing the Time Warp. ^{D Em}Watch him take us live to “The ^DQueen’s Arse and Firkin” Where ^EmJoseph Bloggs And His Amazing ^DTechnicolor Shellsuit Are ^Emabout to abort their Steely ^DDan routine And instead ^Emembark upon fifteen minutes of ^Dmantra-filled oompah.^{Em D}

^N.C.Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. ^N.C.Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.

^EmAdrian stroke Sophie ^Dwants us, the viewers to ring in^Em And say how we think the ^Dpunters will react. ^EmThese are a few of my ^Dfavourite things.^Em

I’m ^Dincredibly bored with the ^Bmword “millennium” ^D I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnes^Bmses. ^DMillions now earmarked will ^Bmlater be wasted Her ^DMajesty, marvellous, ^BmMother – The Musical. The ^Dfireworks lighting up the ^BmHouses of Parliament ^DDeath in Trafalgar Square, ^Bmdeath in the armchair Of ^Dclichéd old spinsters who’ve ^Bmnever been loved.

^DEvery day is Aus^Bmtralia Day, “^DSons and Daughters” and “^BmHome and Away” And then the ^Dnews comes on and the ^Bmsound goes down ‘Cos she ^Dcan’t be bothered with ^Bmall them politicians They’re ^Dall just a bunch of flaming ^Bmdrongo’s.^{D Bm}

She ^Ddied with her telly on, eighty-^Bmseven and confused With ^Dnot enough hospital beds ‘cos all the ^Bmmoney’s been used On the ^Dend of the century ^Bmparty preparations And they ^Dreckon that the last thing she ^Bmsaw in her life was ^DSting singing on the ^Bmroof of the Barbican, ^DSting singing on the ^Bmroof of the Barbican.

^ET for Toxteth, T for Tennessee; ^AT for Toxteth, T for Tennes^Esee ^B7T for Thatcher, that girl hath made a wreck out of ^Eme. Old lady labelled ^B7me an idle, old ^Elady labelled ^B7me an idle Old ^Elady labelled ^B7me an idle laya^Ebout.^A Laya^Ebout.^A Laya^Ebout. ^{A E}